It was Friday, on the metro home from work, and I'm listening to music like I always do on my commute.
The first line of the song's chorus sings "Be strong in the Lord." And with that I'm crying.
On the metro and up the escalator to my car. I finish the song and I start writing down all the thoughts that spring to my mind, up from my heart, as quickly as those tears came.
Why did that line, those five simple words, make me cry?
Be strong in the Lord. A commandment, a charge.
But lately sometimes I do not feel strong in the Lord and I have not been making much of God.
I have big dreams for a big exciting future! But lately I've convinced myself that I like my little world. The routine I have established in my daily life. It's familiar, boring sometimes, but I'm good at it, and it's safe.
Really, though, am I just scared of where God might lead me if I truly surrendered? My whole life. Not just the parts that I feel like "letting" Him have control of, but the whole of it. What would He do if I just let go? What could He possibly do with little ole me?
Insecure in the Lord. Timid in the Lord. Afraid, weak, unsure. Words I'm ashamed of. Words I'm wanting to overcome.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7
I don't want safe. I don't want the easy seat on the sidelines. Turns out it's actually not that easy. The restlessness, the tugging on my heart.
The voice saying this is not enough.
You were made for Me, you are capable of so much more.
I gave you gifts, discover what they are and use them!
But there is the other voice saying I might fail. I'm not good enough.
So I'll admit that I hide from Him. Afraid of proving that second voice right. I get lost along the way to where I want to be. But the Son of Man came to seek and save the Lost and so He is seeking me! He wants to carry me on His shoulders. He has saved me.
I want to serve Him with my life. I want Him to set a fire down in my soul. What am I waiting for? Why am I here, in DC? In the lives of the people I see everyday? What am I doing with the gift of being right here? How am I helping to build God's kingdom?
I have the privilege of working with people very different from myself. I have the privilege of sharing the Gospel with high school students. I have the privilege of living with two sisters in Christ. I have this online presence called a blog, read by my mom and 10's of people every day (or every other week depending on when I actually post.)
Am I living out an example of Jesus Christ? Am I unapologetically representing Him or am I wasting precious opportunities to make much of my Lord?
"I know that I love You, but sometimes I'm afraid
I know that I need You, but sometimes I know it more..."
Another song lyric.
A reminder that I am human. That I fail daily. That I cannot boast about anything I've done because I fail Him daily. But I can boast about what He has done for me and I can boast about His power.
I am weak but He is strong!