Monday, January 7, 2013

Strong

It was Friday, on the metro home from work, and I'm listening to music like I always do on my commute.

The first line of the song's chorus sings "Be strong in the Lord." And with that I'm crying.
On the metro and up the escalator to my car.  I finish the song and I start writing down all the thoughts that spring to my mind, up from my heart, as quickly as those tears came.

Why did that line, those five simple words, make me cry?

Be strong in the Lord. A commandment, a charge.

But lately sometimes I do not feel strong in the Lord and I have not been making much of God.

I have big dreams for a big exciting future! But lately I've convinced myself that I like my little world. The routine I have established in my daily life. It's familiar, boring sometimes, but I'm good at it, and it's safe.

Really, though, am I just scared of where God might lead me if I truly surrendered? My whole life. Not just the parts that I feel like "letting" Him have control of, but the whole of it. What would He do if I just let  go? What could He possibly do with little ole me?

Insecure in the Lord. Timid in the Lord. Afraid, weak, unsure. Words I'm ashamed of. Words I'm wanting to overcome.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

I don't want safe. I don't want the easy seat on the sidelines. Turns out it's actually not that easy. The restlessness, the tugging on my heart.

The voice saying this is not enough.
You were made for Me, you are capable of so much more.
I gave you gifts, discover what they are and use them!

But there is the other voice saying I might fail. I'm not good enough.

So I'll admit that I hide from Him. Afraid of proving that second voice right. I get lost along the way to where I want to be. But the Son of Man came to seek and save the Lost and so He is seeking me! He wants to carry me on His shoulders. He has saved me.

I want to serve Him with my life. I want Him to set a fire down in my soul. What am I waiting for? Why am I here, in DC? In the lives of the people I see everyday? What am I doing with the gift of being right here?  How am I helping to build God's kingdom?

I have the privilege of working with people very different from myself. I have the privilege of sharing the Gospel with high school students. I have the privilege of living with two sisters in Christ. I have this online presence called a blog, read by my mom and 10's of people every day (or every other week depending on when I actually post.)

Am I living out an example of Jesus Christ? Am I unapologetically representing Him or am I wasting precious opportunities to make much of my Lord?

"I know that I love You, but sometimes I'm afraid
I know that I need You, but sometimes I know it more..."

Another song lyric.

A reminder that I am human. That I fail daily. That I cannot boast about anything I've done because I fail Him daily. But I can boast about what He has done for me and I can boast about His power.

I am weak but He is strong!



6 comments :

  1. Wow, Shannon, such a deep and heartfelt post. I love how honest, vulnerable, and open you are. I have a feeling we all suffer at times with what you've shared and I think the first, most important step is recognizing it, which you have, and then continually seeking God to do His will. He knows your heart and it's a beautiful one. Thanks for sharing.

    Blessings,
    Carol

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  2. this post resounded with me...a lot! i think this 20-something life is so hard to figure out, and nobody really warns you (or else their 20-something lives are a little easier to figure out ;) )

    you're not alone! i'm in the same boat :)

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  3. You went swimming in the deep end today : ) It's good to examine our lives and what we're doing with our time here on earth.

    I read these words by Elisabeth Elliot in my devotional this morning..."All of the past, I believe, is a part of God's story of each child of His-a mystery of love and sovereignty, written before the foundation of the world, never a hindrance to the task He has designed for us, but rather the very preparation suited to our particular personality's need."

    I thought of your question-What am I doing in DC?
    I don't know, but you're there and we both know it wasn't by happenstance.

    Life is confusing sometimes and you don't have to figure everything out all at once.
    I love your tender heart.

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  4. i too teared up unexpectedly at a song at church Sunday... music affects us even when we least expect it to. Its amazing how God speaks to us.

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  5. Hi Shannon! I know that I don't know you, but I feel like I could have written this exact post. I have a good life - good job, wonderful husband, cute house, etc. but lately I've been weighed down by that fact that it is not enough. And what's ridiculous about that is that I know WHO is enough. I know where to find, passion, joy and love. Yet, I am still living "safely."

    Thanks for sharing. I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog!

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  6. Such a heartfelt post Shannon. I know you are struggling but also know that the "right" thing will present itself when the time is right. And you are stronger than you think. :-)

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